once upon a time

I once met a man who used to wake me up with peppered kisses, who stood in between the sunshine filtering through the translucent curtains( those white curtains in our house),and my sleeping body.
I once met a man who drew alphabets on my back with the tip of his finger and spelled out words
that I truly wished were inked there as long as we lived.
I once met a man who messed the kitchen every Sunday while trying to cook breakfast for me.Someone who never gave up on trying to make the perfect breakfast.
I once met a man who would always hold my hands when the scary parts of the movie was coming up next.
I once met a man who would deliberately lose in all those pillow fights.
I once met a man who held my my hand every time I had to cross a road.(all the roads I've crossed in my life)
I once met a man who used to call back me after hour long conversations
just to remind me that he loved me.
I once met a man who began his day with my daily soaps no matter how much he wanted to watch the news.
I once met a man whose silence was much more than love.
I once met a man who understood my silence when I pretended I was the happiest.
I once met who  never made any line.
I once met a line who never crossed any line.
I once met a man who never thought I could get hurt too.
I once met a man who stopped caring when he had his own friends.
I once met a man who never tried to find out why did I go wrong.
I once met a man who once called me his world.
I now know a man the only thing he doesn't want in his world is ME.

Caught in a cage

Depression... it just eats you up from the inside out. It’s like a monster inside your head that takes over. The worst thing is to know that my family and friends were doing all they could yet I still felt so lonely. Anything that was said to me, I managed to turn into a bad thing. I was literally my own worst enemy. I would come home and feel so exhausted from all of the voices in my head that I would just sleep to block it all out. I didn’t want to wake up because living was a nightmare. I felt sick with the fear of night time because that’s when the voices got even louder. I would get so frustrated because it seemed impossible to sleep, as if insomnia and depression go hand in hand.

I knew I needed help but asking for it just made me feel like a burden. I wanted to be free of meds, doctors, counselors, hospitals and negative thoughts. I felt as if I had lost myself and wouldn’t ever be the same again. I had no motivation to do anything because I couldn't see a future for myself. Anxiety caused me to believe everyone was faking their love for me. ‘Cheer up’ was the worst thing anyone said to me. Those two words triggered thousands of horrible thoughts and I was beating myself up for not hiding how I felt well enough from everyone around me.

I wanted everyone to know how I felt but I didn’t dare tell them. Eventually I just isolated myself in my room because no contact with people meant nothing could go wrong, surely? I know how it feels but trust me giving up us never an option .I was there on this crossroad too and I have realised its me who has to change. I have to love myself, look after myself and most important of all TAKE RESPONSIBILITY of my thoughts and actions because no one is suffering around me, just I am making myself suffer and that is not how I choose to live.

When feeling anxiety I've had to become more compassionate towards myself. I understand that I may have limitations but I cannot live in anxiety of my anxiety- if you understand what I mean. So to counter that what I do is everyday I do something small and minor or put myself in a situation which may cause me some anxiety. However it is controlled and safe- not like I'm standing in front of charging bulls. The key here is to start small, very small, little goals and achievements and patting yourself on your back for doing so.